Cup of Chaos

12.15.11
What in God’s name can I do? I do not even know how to handle any more of this chaos. He just will not be reasoned with, his constant screaming lies and accusations while I work myself into the grave trying to fix his messes. I’m terrified every moment of what he is going to do next.
I gently swirl my cup in a small circle, spinning its white foam, like an ever expanding universe into the rich, dark crema clinging to the side of the cup. The cup looks enormous in my hands, it’s twice as much as what I payed for and delivered with water- no ice, to my table. The girls behind the counter are kind to me. I forget pertinent information gained by my own request, they forgive me and give me a hug. I wonder if it is because they all see through the cracks and they feel sorry for me, or because they know I love them, and they love me too.
By his words, and actions he is causing me to bar the way back forever. I wonder is it time to run. I could fly away right now and take my flock of angels with me and he would never, ever, find us. We could forget this prison of fears and tears and remember how to live.
Then I think of the obligations I have made to people here, I hate to leave the landlord, the school, my family hanging… How can I possibly make these decisions? I can’t remember where I set my phone while I get a drink of water. I believe there are pathways, that there are options for me here to stand, fight, and maybe survive in spite of his all out attack on my character and promise that he will eradicate me.
I am ashamed for being tied to an entity so inharmonious to my own vibration he hates the very essence of me but I do not know how to hold on or let go the way he deems “right”. My heart aches for him and I pour every ounce of love and light I can muster into his being, but I refuse to ignore the truth. If he attacks and I am forced to defend myself, he will wreck himself with the lies he tells to try to punish me. I don’t want harm to come to him, but I can not protect him from himself. I can protect my precious shards of him.
My thoughts are churned, spinning out of control, broken up and swallowed into the darkness at the edge of the vessel that contains them.