Anniversary

I can’t really say “happy” anniversary without sounding completely sarcastic. Therefore I have come to acknowledge this time more like the anniversary of a tragic event, with mourning and reflection. 

Here is to 5 years of wishing I never saw your face. Truly we have spent more time apart than together. I have not even one “happy” anniversary memory, they passed the same as any other day, with conflict, shouting and tears, or isolated by your bitter, painful silence. I’m not a materialistic person but it would have been nice to receive some sort of memento, something beyond a cup of coffee to hold on to as proof of your love. Yet just like my birthdays, Mother’s Day, or Christmas; anniversaries went by with little to no acknowledgement that my love and dedication to you and our offspring meant something to you.

This year passed in the absence of the constant chaos of your ranting and raving, and I have come to realize that despite whatever promises you were making about our future, it was always conditionally based on some impossible task I had to preform, many of which I did. The truth is: I have no memento of your love because you never loved me.

I’m sure you would love to beat up on this point, “How dare you say I gave you nothing when I gave you two daughters.” Children who suffer because I have no way to provide them with the life they deserve.

These two beautiful rays of sunshine you fathered and denied; emotionally broken before they escaped the womb. They will never know what it is to have a dad. These two girls who chose to be a part of your family, but you will never know them because you prefer to spend your time chasing random women to have meaningless sex with. Apparently, you feel this is more important than dedicating your time to making sure your offspring have a home and the attention they need to be happy, healthy, and balanced.

The first week of June is marked in quiet shame due to the regret I have for allowing you to be a part of my life. After a year apart, the daily grief and confusion over all your lies and all the disgusting things you did to sabotage me and our family are starting to subside. I allow myself some time to mourn that I was fool enough to fall in love with you, and worse yet, that I believed that you had the integrity to be a real man and honor and care for the family God blessed you with. I try to forgive myself for being fooled by you.

I see no reason to forgive you.

There is no evidence of remorse for what you have done. I understand you believe you are perfectly justified for your atrocious behavior. The arsenal of lies you’ve created to defend yourself is so vast, when you are finally faced with the light of truth, it will destroy your reality until you are left entirely void. Years pass and you do nothing to right what you have done wrong, and I continue to vent the poison that accumulates in the empty, rotting hole in my chest where you ripped out my heart with your hateful, filthy hands and left me for dead.

And as for all your stupid declarations about hoping that you and I find love…

You had love. You not only took it for granted, you betrayed, and actively sought to destroy it. You do not deserve the love of another human because you do not value what love is but use it as a commodity to abuse and exploit a person. You are sick and you need to fix yourself before you hurt anymore people.

As for me- you know you have completely wrecked a good woman. Quit expecting someone else to take care of your responsibility to right what you did wrong. You have proven how entirely evil the heart of mankind is. I will never trust again. Prove you are more than a womanizing liar and a thief; man up and be accountable for what you’ve done wrong. I don’t believe man can love. I see no evidence of it in the shallow, jealous, and manipulative interplay that humans engage in and call “love” which is disgusting to me.

All I want is justice, for me and my fatherless children. I petition the heavens daily and will continue until all that we have lost spiritually, mentally, and physically since that fateful first Friday in June five years ago is entirely restored. May the wheel of karma grind you to dust until every debt has been paid. May you suffer 100 times every heartache our children suffer for what you have stolen from us until you have the decency to hang your head in shame and grow the integrity to be an honorable man.