I feel as though I should have more to say, my thoughts and feelings are moving and changing so fast that I am having a hard time keeping up. The problem is, as much as I would like to say, I really don’t have time to say it. The flood turned our life upside down and I am still sifting through the chaos, trying to piece it back together even though the big one- Asbestos removal, has not even taken place. Not that I am ready for that. I have to pack up what is left of my library and sewing notions from the bookshelves in the living room. I just finished putting it all away in December. The promise of new paint and flooring is the only thing that is driving me.
Necessity demanded I take on the closet project that has had me wringing my hands for a year. Silly, I know. Four heavy-duty bicycle hooks, a twelve foot closet-rod, and a closet extender kit later, the almost-hallway outside my bedroom have been transformed into an efficient dressing area… As long as you are not taller than 5’2” and/or are prepared to avoid doing a face-plant into the sloping ceiling when hanging your clothes. It wasn’t always fun doing yoga in there either, attic rooms in old houses are their own kind of charming, but I think this will be a much better utilization of space. I still do not understand how all that stuff fit on one six foot rod in my old closet, not to mention the entire garbage bag of clothes to be sent to clothes sharing network…
After removing all the things associated with dressing into the dressing room and or its accompanying bathroom which is almost too cold to use in the winter, I found my bedroom rather sparsely furnished.
I think I like it.
I’ve been sleeping better. This is not the only reason. Everything is different now. There is the life before the pipes froze and there is life now. I cannot number the things that have changed because for every shift on the physical plane there has been a corresponding shift in the spiritual plane inside me, and outside of my control, except for my willingness to submit and embrace whatever happens. I have learned more about myself, and where I am at in a couple weeks of stepping up to these challenges than in months of stagnant self-evaluation. I have learned that by reaching out, sometimes you reach even further in, and I quickly discovered I am still too afraid of people to be ready for anything more intimate than platonic relationships, and feel even more comfortable being officially off the market.
My life is changing faster than I know how to adapt. It appears my bestie is about to move away. She has become a fixture in our life and one I do not want to live without, but there are other places she can be that will be better for her healing and growth. She gets afraid when considering everything that needs to take place to make this move so each time I talk to her I try to mention how lovely everything will be when we get her through this transition; she will be surrounded by loving family in civilization rather than being lost up here in the wilderness with a crazy woman. Not that she sees me that way exactly but says that I am the friend she was praying for; the truth is, we were praying for each other.
I would fear the void her absence will leave if not for the kind gentleman who have stepped up to watch my back. I have real friends who think of me and share their thoughts, dreams, and faith in civil conversation about interests and experiences we have in common. It has done more to heal my soul than hours of affirmations. You never know how deep the kindness you give touches the heart of the needy. I have people in my life, not obligated by blood or marriage that care about me enough to check in on me often and do something to make my life better, not because of what they can get but because of what we share. I am overwhelmed with gratitude for these people who lift the burden of insecurity, fear, and isolation, restoring my faith in God, love, and myself. As difficult as it can be to reach out, it is worth the effort.
I wake up happy.
I have hope.
Love always wins.